I started dating when I was 18 and out of those 5 years, i've had some pretty hard breakups. Most were easier to get over, taking only a couple days or a month to let go, none of them compared to this one. My days were spent consuming myself of the memory of him, replaying the break up over and over in my head, trying to understand why he was more interested in someone he barely knew when I offered him everything I could for him. I think I listened to every sad song from Adele to Carly Simon, watched every romantic movie, and used so many tissues, kleenex had to put a shipment on back order. You can't really prepare yourself for a situation that almost puts you out of control. You may have been through similar situations in the past, but when the will to overcome is so strong and clarity seems so far away it may feel impossible. I had an extremely hard time letting go of something that wasn't finished and meant a lot to me, more because it didn't end peacefully. I felt like a 5 year old who was just told that Santa Claus wasn't real. I was devastated and hurt. But in a weird way I liked the pain it was the only reassurance that he was real that I really did love him. (On another note it made me finally understand what Bella was reffering to in New Moon when Edward had left her.) I couldn't force him to love or pretend to love me forever, but all i wished was he tell me like a human being rather than desert me and be harsh and cruel.
It got so bad that when I randomly came across his new found love I had to block myself away from him for good. Technlogy makes things so easy to gain access so I knew I had to obtain the strength to ignore it all. I was glad I could admit that much to myself. It seemed all of this was God's way of preparing me for something bigger for me that would happen in the future. Not necessarily having to do with a break up, but something that would need to be ignored rather than confronted. Sometimes it takes a disaster to realize the true answer to a problem.
I learned not all answers are for me to figure out. I can't please everybody, and the pain that people chose to inflict on me is not my fault. The biggest problem I faced was trying not to get the idea in my head that i am less of a person because I was weak in this situation. I had to remember that I needed to learn something from all of this. Just because you may have stumbled once or twice does not mean you're always capable of picking yourself up when something worse happens to you. And when we thought we learned our lesson the first time doesn't mean life won't hand us another curve ball that's even more complicated.
I pushed every day to stop feeling sorry for myself, and hating everyone and getting jealous. I had my time to grieve and to remember the good memories we shared now it was time to better myself. So i did just that, I dedicated all of my time and energy to just myself. I started with small changes like re decorating my room. I wanted to create a fresh environment for myself and to erase the negative energy that was hanging around. I played only uplifting music and none that had to do with relationships. I gave myself a makeover trying looks I always wanted to. I stayed active. I found whatever I could do to keep busy, and became more social. I joined clubs, took classes, and networked with the people around me. Each day got easier than the day before which caused me to think about it less and less. What felt like a boulder running towards me I eventually realized was only just tiny pebble. I had to first admit to myself that I was going to get through this. I had to accept that i'm not perfect and I sometimes make mistakes. The most important thing I had to do was forgive him for what he did. I couldn't waste time timing hoping he'd come back. I had to let it all go and worry about only myself. One of the important things to realize all relationships failed for a reason some are to prepare us for the person we are truelly meant to be with in order for us to understand and appreciate the relationship fully others are to teach us a lesson. Dealing with things not in your control is not easy, but you can get through it and find the strength to ignore it. You just have to give yourself a little push.