I was talking to a friend one evening over coffee, and I shared how incredibly frustrated I had become that I had never been in a serious relationship. I felt like I was in a 30 day curse. After 4 weeks of what seemed like the start of a blissful relationship, they're over it and I'm left drowning my sorrows in cookie dough.
I felt that I held all the key elements to be a good lover, but I constantly found myself repeating the same scenario over and over again. I would meet a guy and after a month of "courting" we would really be into each other. We'd spend hours sharing our hopes and dreams to which we eventually included each other in these aspirations. It is a natural habit for me to express my affection in may ways. Whether that meant cooking him dinner instead of always going out, buying him a new sweater because it's Wednesday or unlocking the car door from the inside because A Bronx Tale says if you don't "you're a selfish broad".
I believe Candace Bushnell said it best stating: "When men attempt bold gestures it's generally considered romantic. When a woman does it, it's often considered desperate and psycho"
Five years and the only thing I had ever mastered romantically was getting the guy. Keeping them was a whole other story. I thought to myself I write these blogs for readers who probably think I have it all figured it out. Well I'll be the first to tell you I DON'T!
But I am learning. That's why I blog, to share the few things I do learn. I've learned what may have worked for that "friend of a friend" doesn't mean it will work for me, and that having a boyfriend isn't going to magically make all of my problems go away.
It wasn't until I met the last guy I had dated. Just an ordinary guy, but he made the biggest impact on my life. I've been through breakups plenty and while some took a little longer to heal, I always managed to move on and find someone else.
Everything changed after him. I felt like everything in my life was falling in to place, for the first time in such a long time. I was working really hard and had become heavily focused. I felt like he was my reward for finally putting myself first.
And just like that his dreams became my dreams, and my dreams became his, until that September day it all fell apart. While this scenario was no surprise to me, it was the first time everyone in my life had become completely shocked. Nobody saw this coming if anything they assumed i'd freak out and run away. Even my own mother couldn't explain of why this had happened.
My instincts were to do what I always do and move on. But what I didn't know was when I "moved on" I was running away. Once he left, I felt as if I reached the end of the road. I just didn't want to be bothered. I even convinced myself the pain was a good thing for it showed I must of really loved him. I later put myself in situations with other guys to test this theory and nothing! I had absolutely no interest in dating another person. For me this wasn't natural.
I became completely fed up. I got tired of creating this idea, an idea we had both built together only to be pushed aside. "Why" became the primary word in my vocabulary. For months I questioned everything...
I just couldn't understand why falling in love was so hard. My biggest pet peeve was hearing someone you once loved complain of never having all of things you handed them on a silver platter.
I knew this breakup wasn't going to be like the others, because for once I chose to not suppress my pain by immediately dating someone else. Although I knew I should have done this years ago I had to find the will to do it.
That's when I had an epiphany. I realized the key to loving someone with all of your heart is to treat it like a medicine. Instead of showing someone everything you are capable of in a short matter of time, love them in small doses. That way they will became immune rather then overwhelmed.
I started to understand exactly why they grew tired of the relationship after only a month. It's like going to a party every single night. At some point it's not fun anymore. You become burnt out. Thus the phrase "Too much of a good thing..."
Once I realized this (wishing I had 4 years ago) I started to make a game plan. I needed to start looking forward and stop looking back at what i used to have. Replaying those tiny moments over and over.
I don't know for sure if he'll ever come back or if we are really destined to be together. All I know is it's not my job to sit and wonder. The only thing I can do is be still emotionally and focus on what I need to do to better myself or history will just continue to repeat itself.